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Ron came home with a bag of cassettes from Tower Records. Brothers in Arms by Dire Straits. Avalon by Roxy Music. As he walked to the stereo with one of the cassettes, I saw Ron silhouetted in our expansive view of Lake Michigan. Gay even loved his feet. We were just roommates, his invitation to stay just helping out gay friend from church.

But unlike my friends from art school, he was actively fighting it. Set my old life aside. More than anything else I want to marry a woman and have a family. I was that woman. At our church, the pastors preached that God wanted to give us everything we asked for. With God, all things are possible? One afternoon, a thunderstorm brewing over the lake, he gave me his journal and asked me to read his poems.

His father shouting at teenaged Ron crush throwing his clothes into the driveway. Giving blowjobs to older men in their BMWs, wiping his mouth and pocketing the cash. Strung out in the sun at a bus stop wearing only a Speedo, mink coat, and cowboy boots. I could see that Gold Coast bus stop, feel the heat of the sun.

I just wanted to smell his cologne in our bathroom, keep using his shampoo, imagining he was there in the shower with me. I imagined how cold he must have felt as he lay there in a pool of flickering light, bleeding and shivering. I was sure if I ran my crushes along his scar, I could kiss it and make it better.

In our summery bubble above Lake Michigan, we could love each other chastely. Sitting in our pew at church, I could smell his scent, the mixture of cologne and laundry soap that thrilled me. I loved being on his arm. He turned heads wherever we went. If he chose me, that would mean I was special.

One evening in early August—because all my memories seemed to be evenings—Ron put on Roxy Music and asked me to dance in the space between the living room and the kitchen.

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I stepped into the perfect fit of his arms, feeling the strength of his biceps, the squared-off fingers of his hands. We started to slow dance, my head on his shoulder. I was sure he was going to kiss me.